Well...

I wonder how long I can sit and look at a blank screen? I mean, until I just started typing this, I was easily going on 10 minutes. I don’t have many words today, but I want to have words. I want to have the perfect words.

My grampa passed away today. My heart is heavy, my tears are flowing, and my words are few. I’m trying to find the most perfect way to share my feelings about him, but it all seems pretty inadequate. I wish that whatever I typed could make you feel my adoration for him. I wish that my words could make you feel as though you knew him and have lost something, too, because he deserves to be missed by the world. I just want to be able to pay a sufficient tribute to his life, but I just don’t know that I can find the words. So much of what I want to express is emotion, and how do you express emotion effectively & as strongly as you feel it?

He was a grouchy, grouchy man with a tough exterior, but he didn’t fool anyone. Deep down, he had the softest heart. It’s almost funny how much he tried to play tough & grouchy when it was SO obvious to all of us granddaughters, atleast, that he was just a big, compassionate pushover. When the four of us worked together…well, we could get him to agree to almost anything! I’ll miss that. I mean, Heather, Alison, Katie & I all shared a completely different dynamic when we were together with him. I don’t know that we’ll ever see that dynamic again without him around to invoke it.

And gosh, what a fun, fun man…always playful. I know this is a favorite memory shared by many…only grampa would allow Alison to take his false teeth OUT of his mouth to chase Katie around. (Katie would be the younger sister. She was also TERRIFIED of grampa’s teeth! Ha!) Why he complied? Who knows. Probably just because Alison asked!

And, for those of you that caught that part in one of my previous posts…what was it that grampa used to say about a pouty lip? Yeah, that was something I heard FREQUENTLY. I guess I was whiney or pouty…I don’t know. But, he would regularly tell me that if I wasn’t careful about that bottom lip, a bird would come land on it and take a "crap." Although, he probably didn’t say “crap.” I don’t recall exactly what he DID say. It obviously didn’t scare me out of pouting, though, as I heard it SO many times! Ah, the good ol’ days.

I guess his true grouchiness shined through sometimes. I remember all us kids having to eat meals on his kitchen floor at his condo because that’s where the linoleum was! Haha! It was a tiny kitchen, too. I also remember getting in trouble countless times because he had this chair that spun around…kinda like an office chair spins, but not an office chair at all. Anyway, you can guess how it went…we were always spinning in that thing! He didn’t like that. And, the funny thing…I think he recently replaced that furniture how many years later!?!

But, truly, he was a good, kind man. As many times as we got in trouble for spinning in his chair, atleast a billion times more than that, we climbed up in his lap and just sat with him. And, often times that would turn into us giving him a completely CRAZY makeover. The man had THE FULLEST, THICKEST head of hair EVER! Seriously. He kept it longer, too, so we had the best time giving him mohawks, spiking it everywhere…you name it, we did it! The funny thing about this little tidbit…the last time we did that was on his 70th birthday. That was only 7 years ago. We were all grown & settled, but we had a grand time curling his hair that night.

So, yeah, I could reminisce forever. I’ve got to get on with this post, though this is quite therapeutic, actually.

Shortly after Heather called to tell me, I was sitting out on the front porch just…I don’t know…thinking, I guess. The sun was starting to set, and I was thinking about him trying to gain a little bit of peace. I saw the sunlight fading, the daylight slipping away, and it occurred to me that this was the last daylight he saw. In that moment, I realized the metaphor. The sun was setting - leaving for the day, just as his life had faded, slipped away. I wanted to stop it for a moment – the sun, that is. I would have liked to hang on to him for a bit longer, but I know that I can’t, so the sun will have to do. I ran to get my camera so that I could forever capture the last sunlight that he saw. I felt anxious & pressured to get the shot before it was gone, and I’m relieved to know that I did.

And, as I looked back for photographs of him, I came across this one. It's my new favorite. Yes, it's out of focus, but isn't it funny how quickly technicalities fly out the window when it REALLY matters? This is the grampa I remember:
Before the phone call, we were having a lovely day. When Heather called, and I saw that it was her on the caller ID, I thought, "oh, good, I can tell her we chopped Maya's hair." Yeah...not so important, afterall. I didn't get the chance to tell her. So, Heather...we chopped Maya's hair. Still not important, but I took the photos and know that people would like to see them.


We had also taken a few pictures, the girls & I. It's funny (or not so much) how things can change in an instant. Seriously...we were having a great day. :(





Love you, Gramps.