Gosh. It's time.

Well, living in denial doesn't really help matters, does it? I've been thinking just a little here & there about Emma starting kindergarten, but for the most part, I've not let my mind linger too long on the thought of it. That hasn't really done me any good because here I am, the night before. A mess. I'm just sad. I absolutely cannot believe that my child is old enough for this. She's so tiny, so little, so impressionable. She's so sweet, and so smart, and so ready for this. I'm just not.

As we started the nightly schedule of getting them ready for bed, I realized that it's all in preparation for tomorrow. This is it. Tomorrow, there will be no lazy morning. We'll be racing the clock as we always are to get her ready & out the door on time. (We're always late.) It makes me sad that I won't be able to just take in her sweet, sleepy grins & her crazy hair. No, it's gonna be all business in the morning. Heck, I'll be surprised if she isn't up and dressed with her hair brushed before I even wake up. She's SO, SO excited.

You know, I've always been so blessed to be able to stay home with my girls. It kinda freaks me out to think that tomorrow...tomorrow I just send her off into someone else's care. All day. Fortunately, I know her teacher, and Emma knows her teacher, and we both love her. That eases a lot of my anxiety about it all. It's just that, well, I've always been able to protect her. I've always been there. And, it's not like I over protect her by any means. I know that kids will be kids, etc., but I won't be there to comfort her should she need it. I won't be there to turn things into a learning experience or a life lesson. There are so many teachable moments that I won't be there for. Believe me, I do NOT want to be responsible for her education. I know I am, too, to an extent, but I could NOT imagine being her primary teacher. When I say "teachable moments," I mean those times when character can be built. One of my biggest goals as a parent is to raise my daughters to be compassionate. Compassion. I just hope that I've taught her that. I think I have. I could NEVER imagine her going to school and making any of the other kids feel badly about anything. She's just such a sweet, sweet kid. (She's bossy, but sweet. Truly.) I mean, you know? How hard is the first day of school, anyway, but then to be made to feel badly or lonely or out of place? How heart breaking would that be for a sweet little kindergartner?

I just...now I just hope nobody makes her feel that way. See what I mean about protecting her? It runs deep within me. I do my best to make her feel safe & secure & loved & wanted & needed. And, now, well...I just have to hope that sticks with her through all time. The beginning of it all starts tomorrow at 9:00am. We'll see...

And, then there's Maya. That's a whole dimension that I've completely overlooked. I've been so worked up about Emma starting school & spending the entire day somewhere else with someone else, that it hadn't even occurred to me that it would be just me & Maya at home. That scares me. For many reasons.

Let's see...this girl is CRAZY! She is an absolute busy bee maniac. It's constant go time for her, and I'm afraid for my sanity. Ummm...her playmate, her best friend is out of the picture from 9am until 3pm. Dang. What's that gonna mean for me? Ha! As if she's not already ALL over me.

And, then the serious side of me...the worry wart motherly side that is concerned for Maya's little feelings. She doesn't know life without Emma. You know? She's always had her sister by her side, her partner in crime. Maya tends to be the really imaginative, creative one. I love that about her. I love to see the games she comes up with, the story lines. The things that come out of her mouth...man, she cracks me up! And, Emma appreciates that about her, too. Emma has told me on several occasions that Maya's the funniest in the whole world. I like to watch Emma watching Maya sometimes. It's funny to watch Emma's reactions to her. Of course it spurs on Maya's crazy behavior.

So, yeah, I worry that without Emma around to indulge her, will her imagination wane? What's she gonna do all day long? Yes, I'll entertain her some, but come on...I am NOT the type of mom that can spend the entire day on the floor playing with the kiddos. I'm just not. I have to have some time for me, too. What's she gonna do during that time? I fear that she'll be by my side non-stop. It's sweet, and I can handle it for a good long time, but sometimes it makes me nuts. I hope I'm not sounding terrible right now. Ha! Our days together...it's just not something I've figured out as of yet.

I took some pictures a couple days ago of the girls out in the backyard. I set up their castle tent. It's such a cute tent. It's like a sauna in there, though, in the middle of the day when the sun's beating down on it. And, sucker that I am, they conned me into spending about an hour with them in this tent one day, reading stories, eating lunch. I think I lost 5 pounds in there. Sheesh, it was hot! I tried to stick it out as long as I could, but I just couldn't handle it. Later, though, I did go back in for a few pictures. They could hang out in there all day together, a billion degrees or not. So sweet...

I only post processed three or four of these because I feel guilty working on them when I've got a BILLION other things to finish up, so that's all you get. :-) Maybe when things slow down around here, I'll come back to it.

My little kindergartner. Look how sweet & happy she is. She'll be okay, right?