Thanksgiving with Nana

Man oh man... where do I begin?  So, I mentioned earlier that Heather & I were going to spend the week of Thanksgiving in California visiting our Nana.  I can tell you now that this post is going to be exceptionally long.  I think I might sit here for hours trying to find the right words both to recount the events of the week, as well as the swell of emotion I have/am experiencing.

Back in August, it was discovered that my Nana has a malignant brain tumor.  Though she underwent surgery, it could not be completely removed.  It is aggressive in nature, and has taken it's toll on her.  She doesn't have much longer, so it was now or never, you know?  It was unexpected and is affecting her quickly.  Heather & I went knowing this would be the last time we would see her.  How's that for anxiety inducing?  

For the time leading up to us going, I felt a pretty constant tug of sadness.  I guess in all the deaths I've had to deal with, I've never had warning... I've never had the chance to say goodbye.  How do you say goodbye like that?  Before going, I felt like I might burst into tears at any moment.  I swear... it seems that her illness has brought about emotions in me that I hadn't realized that I hadn't dealt with.  Like my Grampy's death... and Michael's death... and what it would be like to return to a family where my bio father has burned a bazillion bridges.

Anyway, I kept telling myself that surely it will be better... the constant "down" that I'm feeling will be gone when I've said goodbye & the anxiety of it all is gone.  Yeah... not so much.  I still feel like I might fall apart at any moment.  I don't want to feel like that.  I knew that I, of course, would lose it when I get the news that she's gone, but I just felt like I would have a little peace after seeing her.  But, now, now I guess the sadness comes from wanting to be with her still.

Over the past week, she exhibited such a sweet spirit.  She was calm, witty, feisty, funny... she was so beautiful, and I just enjoyed being with her so, SO much.  Though I was quite nervous & very intimidated in the beginning, I delighted in taking care of her.  I caught a bit of insight into her very being... the things that make her tick.  It's like all the extra was stripped away, and what remained was her sweet, sweet spirit.  It pained me so much to say goodbye to her.  And, the tug of sadness remains.

Okay... so, I've got to get on with my story.  We arrived on Monday.  My Nana insisted that everyone who came into town would stay at her house.  Can you see where this is going?  Have you seen those holiday movies where all the family comes back home?  There's always endless drama & angst & catastrophes & fighting, etc., all driving the family to feel the need to start drinking?  Well, I've always watched those movies and thought, "ummm... yeah right.  That doesn't happen."  Okay, folks, let me tell you that it absolutely does.  And, like at least 100 times as bad as the worst of them all!

In addition to my Nana & her husband, there were NINE of us staying at her house.  NINE!  She has a two bedroom home.  Yep.

So, her brother Ernie & his wife Patty were given the other bedroom, of course.  The other seven of us?  Well, we all camped out in the formal living room.  We had two & a half air mattresses as well as a couch & loveseat.  Good times.  Really.  I know I'm often sarcastic, but with this, I'm not.  I'm totally serious when I say it was a good time!  There were ENDLESS hours of laughter into the wee hours of the night despite my aunt Cynthia's pleading for us to go to sleep.  Of course, it didn't help that as we all started to settle, she'd do something over the top to make us all laugh again.  Ay yi yi.  Sleep deprived doesn't begin to touch what I am right now.  I would guess that I got no more than 20 hours of sleep during the time I was there... Monday - Friday.  This is a girl that needed 32 minimum.

Anyway, I've got such an unbelievable story to tell, but it borders on being unkind.  I'll have to be vague.  I'll tell you, it felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.  We all said that numerous times throughout the week.  From being locked INSIDE the house to being without a car of any sort for days upon days, from screaming matches to fearing for my life and not being able to get out because of being locked inside, it was an absolutely BIZARRO trip!  Truly.  At one point we thought we were being recorded.  No seriously.  Doesn't it all sound so unbelievable?

I know this paints a really sketchy picture.  It does.  But, the good news is that all of my family was on the same side of it.  It wasn't one of us that was causing the chaos.  It was like a super sense of camaraderie was forged amongst us as we were all living in this crazy, unbelievable world for a week.

I so enjoyed seeing all of my aunts & uncles, as well as all of my cousins.  I hadn't seen some of these folks since the 80's.  Yet, by the second day, everything felt so comfortable, almost like all that time hadn't passed.  Sure, I didn't truly know them all, but it was okay.  We laughed & reminisced & looked at pictures... all that good stuff.  We all grocery shopped together (the SINGLE time I got out of that locked down house the entire week), and we all cooked together. We formed assembly lines to put together enough grinders to feed the house.  Mmmm.  We took turns jumping up frantically searching for Teddy, though I think Cynthia & I shouldered more of that burden than the others.  They didn't seem to have the same paranoia about Teddy as she & I did.  :)  (Teddy is the dog.  He escaped the house once before, if you can believe it.  Anyway, we were all afraid for our lives should Teddy escape again, thus the constant hunt for Teddy around the house.  Someone would say, "Where's Teddy?" and that would trigger it.)

So, while it was seriously nuts, and there were countless times I found myself shaking my head in disbelief, it truly was SUCH a fun, memorable experience.  If an oxymoron could be embodied in one week's time, this would be the week.  My Nana had every one of her grandkids there.  Such a special time... I fear it may never happen again, though I certainly hope it does even though Nana will be gone.

Okay, I've GOT to get on with the pictures.

This is my cousin Shannon... she is Cynthia's oldest.
My brother Miles... more on him later.  :)
Nana & Miles hanging out at the dining room table...
This is my aunt Cynthia.  She is seriously one of THE funniest people I know.  She doesn't even have to try... she's just hilarious!
My sweet Nana & her husband.
My aunt Laura... she's the glue that holds the family together, and I'm SO grateful for that.  I know it must cause her stress, but she is just amazing!
This is great aunt Patty.  She is married to Ernie, Nana's brother.  They flew in from Massachusetts.  And, boy, does she make a good grinder!  :)
This is my uncle Stan's son Shane.  He seems like such a good kid, and he gave me some awesome tips for my computer!  Nice.  In the background is Chet.  He's Laura's oldest son.
Shane & younger brother Brian... 
This is my uncle Stan.  The boys above belong to him.  I've got to tell you that I was completely thrown for a loop when I saw Stan for the first time.  I guess it's been awhile, but it wasn't until this visit that I noticed how much he looks like my Grampy.  
This is Florence Ruby, Cynthia's daughter.  She is SO incredible when it comes to taking care of Nana.  
Nana doing her eye brow raise.  I LOVED seeing that this week.
Great uncle Ernie... Nana's brother.
Another of Shane...
Florence & aunt Cindy, Stan's wife.
My uncle Keith, Laura's husband, and their daughter Sarah...
Ernie...
This is my brother Miles & his mom Brenda.  She was the only step mom I ever knew.  It truly was SUCH a blessing getting to see her again!
Cynthia's youngest Amelia.
I wish I could remember what's going on here... I have NO idea, though. 
Wade, Laura's youngest, and Brian, Stan's son, playing Pachisi.  No, not PARcheesi, PAchisi.  
Chet & Shawn, Cynthia's son.
Sweet Nana.  For whatever reason, she was totally intrigued by electronics.  She'd sit and look at them for 20 minutes just pushing buttons...
Nana with ALL of her grandkids...
I mentioned earlier that there would be more about my brother Miles.  Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start.  It's been almost 20 years since I last saw him.  Far too long.  As this trip was approaching and the sadness over what I knew was coming set in, there was one thing that made my spirit settle... that gave me comfort.  It was knowing that I'd see Miles again.

I've had so many questions in my head, so many daydreams about what it might be like to know him.  He is just perfect.  He's sweet, and kind, and thoughtful...  He's only 24 years old, but he's so mature & wise for his age.  He's an absolute joy to be around.  Though I sometimes didn't know what to say to him because, well... I don't know him, I felt a comfort in his presence.  It wasn't uncomfortable (for me anyway) to sit with him quietly.  I just hope that he felt the same way.  I mean, it's kind of crazy to think about... when you grow up with a sibling, they just HAVE to like you... no choice.  But, what about when you are only really getting to know them as adults?  Does he HAVE to like me?  I'm desperate to be a part of his life and him in mine.

I feel sick thinking about the number of years that have passed, the number of life experiences, the joys & sorrows that siblings share... SO many missed.  I wish I could go back.  There is just no way I'll let the future resemble the past.  No way.

So, while it was a great joy to get to see him, I'm saddened that the time we had together was so brief.  It's anybody's guess as to when we'll get to see him again, but I can tell you it will be too long.

Miles - if you see this... move to Texas!  Make the move, little brother.  :)
  


All in all, it was an amazing trip.  I'll treasure it always, and I'm sure I'll ache to relive it many times in my life.

All my love, Nana.  I miss you much.
And, in Nana fashion... toodles!