I've been thinking...
About a lot of things. I can't seem to reconcile the thoughts in my brain & the emotions in my heart. I hate being left speechless despite having millions of things in my head. You know?
I've got some really exciting news (exciting for me!) My sister & I will be travelling to China later this month to visit my parents. Can you believe it!?! They've lived there for 6 of the past 7 years, and they decided that they'd like to fly us out for a visit. I'm so, so, so excited! Curt & I went once before when we were first married. Pre-children. Pre-photography. Haha! This is, gosh...about 2 weeks away now! I'm so anxious to see them, and I'm so anxious to be a part of their lives over there. I know that this is going to be a once (okay, maybe twice) in a lifetime chance.
And, then...then there is a big BUT. But my husband & my children will be staying here. Sure I'll miss them while I'm there. I will. The time away from them, however, is not what's causing the mixed emotions. I am mom. I am THE single woman in their lives that shapes them on a daily basis. I am the neurotic, overprotective mother that keeps them by my side and in my eyesight at all times when we're out and about. I'm the whack that checks to make sure the seat belts securing their car seats haven't accidentally come unbuckled EACH time we get in the car. My girls are 3 and pushing 5 years old. You know how when you have newborns you're SO scared of SIDS? How many times a night did you check for the rise & fall of their little chest? Well, I've tamed down QUITE a bit. We're down to once a night. Each night before I go to bed. I probably shouldn't be admitting all of these things. I know I'm sounding crazier by the sentence. It's just...I just could NOT imagine my life without them. My life before them...yeah...it's vague. Maya is only three & a half. That's it. Curt & I have been married twice as long as she is old. I can't remember our lives before her, and that wasn't that long ago.
And, so, facing this upcoming trip... I'm facing handing over everything. I know that my husband is more than capable. Of course he is. He's not one of those dads that I have to schedule "babysitting" with him to go out with a friend. We share the responsibilities of parenting, and, in fact, there are MANY things that he does alone. I know that I am one of the lucky ones. So, it's not that.
When I stop and really think about it...when I'm trying to decide what, exactly, the problem is, I've just got to be honest. I feel like I will be completely out of control & that all those little embarrassingly crazy things I do...they may or may not get done. Will my world crumble if it doesn't get done? No, I'm sure not. But, I just can't get my thoughts under control, I guess. I feel like an emotional lunatic. I'm struggling with this daily. I'm trying to reconcile it all. And, mom, I don't want you to feel badly about this at all. I WANT to come see you guys. It would be CRAZY not to. It's something that I need to do & that I feel like will only make me better. I feel like it's a weakness to be so bound by my fears, and so, here I am...on the internet...typing through my thoughts & fears.
And, you know, with all that's going on in the world...it doesn't make it any easier. So, today, Independence Day, I find myself feeling so proud, so grateful to have been born an American. And, even more grateful that my own children will have the same freedoms & opportunities that I had. The older I get, the more patriotic I get. I mean, I definitely don't just blindly love everything about America & our role in the world. I do, though, find myself overwhelmed with gratitude that my girls will grow up as a respected gender rather than being discarded or less-than or subservient.
But, also on the 4th of July, I'm reminded how much this country is disliked by so many others. Isn't it terrible that I almost anticipate something terrible happening on the day of our country's independence? If not today, I'm sure there is something in the works. It's terrible. But, I'm sure it's true. I usually don't lend too much of my time or energy to thinking about these things. On a normal day...eh. But, looking this trip in the eyes...it's on my mind more. You know?
So, what's left? How, HOW do I reconcile this? I've nothing left to do but trust that God is in control. I mean, sheesh, he's the one REALLY in control when I think I've got control. Not only does he know the rise & fall of my daughters' chests, he knows how many breaths each night, and is in control of those breaths. Who am I to think that I can control my life & the lives of my family members? Obviously, I have a responsibility to keep my children safe. But...do you know what I mean?
And, today, yesterday, the day before that, etc., as I'm trying to work through this all, God is showing me his majesty. Just when we think we know what to expect, when we think things WILL go as it always has, we're day after day graced with the most amazing, awesome, magnificent weather. And, by that, I don't mean awesome in the "rockin" way. I mean, truly AWEsome. I've never seen skies like the ones I've been seeing daily for the last month. The sunsets, the deep tones of the grass, the sky, the storm clouds... The sheer amount of rain that we've gotten...UNbelievable. This isn't July in Texas. July in Texas is 100 degrees, bright, unbearable sun, and dry, dry, dry.
So, this evening, this 4th of July, as I'm enjoying time with my family out in the front yard, the light in the sky...the sunset...just GLORIOUS. Seriously. God's majesty is PLASTERED across the sky. The beauty of the sky & the significance of the date collide to remind me that the Lord IS in control. And, now, now I have some peace about it all. If only I can remember how I feel in this very moment. If only I can keep my crazy little rambling thoughts from running rampant.
I just want to share some pictures with you from this evening. I'm telling you...it was AMAZING out there. The light was so incredible, the sky was brilliant. It was hard to post process these because the light was so, so warm. Plus, I wanted to portray what it really looked like. You photographers will understand the technicals of that. With my camera & knowledge, it's impossible to maintain the scene as I see it. If I capture the sunset, the subject is underexposed. If I capture the subject, the sunset is overexposed. So, merging the two after the fact is the way to go this time. And, I still didn't do it justice.
And, my sweet Emma. She was so brave tonight! She's always HATED the fireworks in past years. I think the noise is what's always terrified her. She sat through it this year AND enjoyed it. She covered her ears for a portion of the time, but we made it through! :-)
Another one to show off the beautiful sky... This is of the infamous D.Brown. Such a good, kind guy & loyal friend. I don't think he really loves this photo too much, but I do. And, well, since he doesn't believe in telling anyone what they can & can't post on their blogs...here it is! Haha!
I've got some really exciting news (exciting for me!) My sister & I will be travelling to China later this month to visit my parents. Can you believe it!?! They've lived there for 6 of the past 7 years, and they decided that they'd like to fly us out for a visit. I'm so, so, so excited! Curt & I went once before when we were first married. Pre-children. Pre-photography. Haha! This is, gosh...about 2 weeks away now! I'm so anxious to see them, and I'm so anxious to be a part of their lives over there. I know that this is going to be a once (okay, maybe twice) in a lifetime chance.
And, then...then there is a big BUT. But my husband & my children will be staying here. Sure I'll miss them while I'm there. I will. The time away from them, however, is not what's causing the mixed emotions. I am mom. I am THE single woman in their lives that shapes them on a daily basis. I am the neurotic, overprotective mother that keeps them by my side and in my eyesight at all times when we're out and about. I'm the whack that checks to make sure the seat belts securing their car seats haven't accidentally come unbuckled EACH time we get in the car. My girls are 3 and pushing 5 years old. You know how when you have newborns you're SO scared of SIDS? How many times a night did you check for the rise & fall of their little chest? Well, I've tamed down QUITE a bit. We're down to once a night. Each night before I go to bed. I probably shouldn't be admitting all of these things. I know I'm sounding crazier by the sentence. It's just...I just could NOT imagine my life without them. My life before them...yeah...it's vague. Maya is only three & a half. That's it. Curt & I have been married twice as long as she is old. I can't remember our lives before her, and that wasn't that long ago.
And, so, facing this upcoming trip... I'm facing handing over everything. I know that my husband is more than capable. Of course he is. He's not one of those dads that I have to schedule "babysitting" with him to go out with a friend. We share the responsibilities of parenting, and, in fact, there are MANY things that he does alone. I know that I am one of the lucky ones. So, it's not that.
When I stop and really think about it...when I'm trying to decide what, exactly, the problem is, I've just got to be honest. I feel like I will be completely out of control & that all those little embarrassingly crazy things I do...they may or may not get done. Will my world crumble if it doesn't get done? No, I'm sure not. But, I just can't get my thoughts under control, I guess. I feel like an emotional lunatic. I'm struggling with this daily. I'm trying to reconcile it all. And, mom, I don't want you to feel badly about this at all. I WANT to come see you guys. It would be CRAZY not to. It's something that I need to do & that I feel like will only make me better. I feel like it's a weakness to be so bound by my fears, and so, here I am...on the internet...typing through my thoughts & fears.
And, you know, with all that's going on in the world...it doesn't make it any easier. So, today, Independence Day, I find myself feeling so proud, so grateful to have been born an American. And, even more grateful that my own children will have the same freedoms & opportunities that I had. The older I get, the more patriotic I get. I mean, I definitely don't just blindly love everything about America & our role in the world. I do, though, find myself overwhelmed with gratitude that my girls will grow up as a respected gender rather than being discarded or less-than or subservient.
But, also on the 4th of July, I'm reminded how much this country is disliked by so many others. Isn't it terrible that I almost anticipate something terrible happening on the day of our country's independence? If not today, I'm sure there is something in the works. It's terrible. But, I'm sure it's true. I usually don't lend too much of my time or energy to thinking about these things. On a normal day...eh. But, looking this trip in the eyes...it's on my mind more. You know?
So, what's left? How, HOW do I reconcile this? I've nothing left to do but trust that God is in control. I mean, sheesh, he's the one REALLY in control when I think I've got control. Not only does he know the rise & fall of my daughters' chests, he knows how many breaths each night, and is in control of those breaths. Who am I to think that I can control my life & the lives of my family members? Obviously, I have a responsibility to keep my children safe. But...do you know what I mean?
And, today, yesterday, the day before that, etc., as I'm trying to work through this all, God is showing me his majesty. Just when we think we know what to expect, when we think things WILL go as it always has, we're day after day graced with the most amazing, awesome, magnificent weather. And, by that, I don't mean awesome in the "rockin" way. I mean, truly AWEsome. I've never seen skies like the ones I've been seeing daily for the last month. The sunsets, the deep tones of the grass, the sky, the storm clouds... The sheer amount of rain that we've gotten...UNbelievable. This isn't July in Texas. July in Texas is 100 degrees, bright, unbearable sun, and dry, dry, dry.
So, this evening, this 4th of July, as I'm enjoying time with my family out in the front yard, the light in the sky...the sunset...just GLORIOUS. Seriously. God's majesty is PLASTERED across the sky. The beauty of the sky & the significance of the date collide to remind me that the Lord IS in control. And, now, now I have some peace about it all. If only I can remember how I feel in this very moment. If only I can keep my crazy little rambling thoughts from running rampant.
I just want to share some pictures with you from this evening. I'm telling you...it was AMAZING out there. The light was so incredible, the sky was brilliant. It was hard to post process these because the light was so, so warm. Plus, I wanted to portray what it really looked like. You photographers will understand the technicals of that. With my camera & knowledge, it's impossible to maintain the scene as I see it. If I capture the sunset, the subject is underexposed. If I capture the subject, the sunset is overexposed. So, merging the two after the fact is the way to go this time. And, I still didn't do it justice.
And, my sweet Emma. She was so brave tonight! She's always HATED the fireworks in past years. I think the noise is what's always terrified her. She sat through it this year AND enjoyed it. She covered her ears for a portion of the time, but we made it through! :-) Another one to show off the beautiful sky... This is of the infamous D.Brown. Such a good, kind guy & loyal friend. I don't think he really loves this photo too much, but I do. And, well, since he doesn't believe in telling anyone what they can & can't post on their blogs...here it is! Haha!
posted by AmyC at
1:16 AM
15 Comments:
beautiful photos. love how you processed them-even if you had to do it non-traditionally--it works! as for the trip, i understand where you're coming from...but just go! your girls will be better for it because they will see you doing something for you! kwim? have fun!
I've just ventured onto your blog and see this post and I totally know what you are going through. My daughter just turned 5 and she is my one and only and I do the same thing. I don't like leaving her alone with anyone, even my husband. He is more than capable, but, I want to have the control too. It is a crazy feeling because like you, I don't remember much about when she wasn't with me.
Your photography is beautiful. Just think of all the amazing photos you will be coming home with to share with them.
hi amy :)
my name is rosie, from illinois. i am a teacher turned stay at home mommy turned mommy/photograher :) i have been reading your blog for a couple of months now. your talent is beautiful - truly a gift from God! I am writing to let you know that you are NOT crazy in all your thoughts (not sure if you are looking for encouragement here? :)it was so great to read your thoughts...i kept thinking am i reading my own diary here??? haha!! i am in almost the exact same situation you are in right now. i am leaving my boys except not for vacation, for a once in mommyhood time opp. to faciliate a rockin summer camp. i leave for 7 days this coming sunday and then for 10 days a week and half after i get back. i tried out for this and earned my spot before i was married and my hubby and we figured i should go for it now since we are inbetween babies (so to speak)and pregnancies etc.. i thought it would be "fine" since little B will be almost one...IT'S SO NOT!!! but now i have to honor my commitment to this wonderful company and so many wonderful people. i have felt and thought everything you have mentioned. my heart races sometimes when i think of how CRAZY i was to think it would be "fine" for the boys. is this the absolutely most selfish thing i have ever done?!??! yEs!!! but again...my wonderful hubby (who sounds a lot like yours in terms of parenting etc.) will be with them the whole time. because of job transition etc. we are able to have HIM be their sole caregiver this whole time..what a time for them to bond etc. but like you there is SO MUCH LETTING GO...i know they will be fed, clothed, bathed, watched after, and cared for, etc. I am praying that he will be EXTRA alert for safety...you know, like MOMMY ALERT. okay call it paranoid...but you know what i mean. we as women are just gifted with that mama bear paranoid safety first thing. ANYWAYS amy, sorry to comment your eyeballs out...i just wanted to let you know that there is someone else in the same boat. everyone keeps telling me GO, you "deserve" something for yourself...but now I just want to stay home with my little guys. my hubby said "honey, just go, rock it, and then come home. we'll be fine." :) and I know they will. (it just might be a little messier than usual when i get back???) have a great day amy!
rosie.....:)
i understand, i understand and then i understand some more... really. i worry when i leave my kids with my dh while i go to water aerobics 5 miles away. not worry in the way that i think he's going to let something happen to them... but worry that i won't be there to CONTROL every little detail. i think it just comes with being the mom.
amy, i think you will have a wonderful trip and yes, it's an awesome opportunity. :)
these are, once again, beautiful shots.
Amy,
How do you do to make me feel so many emotions just while writing on your blog!
Your declaration of love to Curt had already made me cry, your words were so much beautiful... but here, you tell us your deeper fears so naturally, it's breathtaking!
You don't speak in my native language and yet, I feel your words completely...
I also have enormous fears but even in French, I am not able to say them as well as you... I really admire you Amy!!!
And more than all, I admire your photographs and I would like to just have a tenth of your talent! I regret that you are not present on Two Peas any more (even if I totally understood your decision) but we miss you so much and I hope that doesn't bother you if I continue to come to visit your blog daily.
Ohhh and by the way, I'm totally jealous concerning your trip in China! LOL !!!
{{{hugs}}}} God IS in control and as unimaginable as it may seem, He loves your kids even more than you do. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and you are an awesome mommy. Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm a control-freak/paranoid momma myself but have learned that God is more than capable of handling things. These are beautiful shots with His amazing backdrop. You capture people in amazing ways.
Amy, I understand that this may be a continuous struggle until you get on the plane. It's OK. I am so delighted to hear how you are processing this. I believe that God will show you even more of Himself through this time! And, I for one am so thankful that Curt is willing to give his time to be with the girls so that you can come! Mom
Thank you Amy. I was really touched by your words... every time I feel so lost and confused and worried and scared and I don't even know what the problem is, somehow God shows me he is there, and I remember that he is in control - I can trust in him and I don't have to worry anymore. I am a terrible worrier. I don't have kids but I know I'll be exactly how you described - I already am when I babysit; I just want to make sure that everything is okay and safe for the kids. I worry about my family and the future... And sometimes those irrational fears take over, and the only one that stops those fears from consuming me is God. Last week I was so scared to fly to Winnipeg because of the recent tornadoes and I didn't know what to do. Then I saw an amazing rainbow that stretched across the sunset sky and I knew he was telling me that it would be okay; he's in control and he will take care of me and my family...
What drew me to photography in the first place is that I just HAVE to show these amazing things that God has made and the amazing sights he lets me see! Sometimes it's in the everyday things and sometimes it's in those special moments, like this one, that can only take your breath away~ thanks for sharing it with us.
Beautiful images!
I TOTALLY understand the "mommy" thing! I'm the same way. I take my Mommy duties very seriously and enjoy spending every moment I can with my girls...since they grow up SO fast!
At the same time, it is important for you to share some time with your parents too...
This is a wonderful opportunity. Take care and enjoy the trip the best that you can! :)
Really beautifully put Amy, and you're truly not alone in your thoughts and concerns. Reading this brought tears to my eyes because, well, I think so many of us moms can relate. Thank you for writing this and sharing your gorgeous photos. Really stunning.
Ah, Amy, I'm like you. I would be having a complete and utter meltdown if I was leaving my daughters.
I didn't see them for 5 days when I was in the hospital recently and it was a good thing I was drugged out most of the time because the times where I was aware enough to realize they were being completely cared for by everyone else were really hard to deal with.
I was petrified something was going to happen to them.
All I can say is pray a lot for comfort while you're there. Try to get lost in the greatness of the trip and let it take over your mind.
Easier said than done, right?
Ah, Amy, I'm like you. I would be having a complete and utter meltdown if I was leaving my daughters.
I didn't see them for 5 days when I was in the hospital recently and it was a good thing I was drugged out most of the time because the times where I was aware enough to realize they were being completely cared for by everyone else were really hard to deal with.
I was petrified something was going to happen to them.
All I can say is pray a lot for comfort while you're there. Try to get lost in the greatness of the trip and let it take over your mind.
Easier said than done, right?
Amy-
I did really enjoy reading your blog tonight. I'm sorry that I have not looked at it much until recently, because I do enjoy it. What a cute and unique picture of Emma! I am jealous of all the awesome pictures you have of your children.
I did want to say though, that you still have not mentioned me!!!
your BFF
Beautiful photos Amy- the 1st one is just stunning!
Have a GREAT trip- and don't worry you aren't the only neurotic mother- I think it comes with the job :) I have many of the SAME tendencies :)
I was where you are about a year ago. I was invited on an all girl's trip to California (I'm in Maryland) for 5 days last October. I soooo wanted to go for myself, but had incredible anxiety over it! (And guilt!) I am a control freak with my kids and family, absolutely petrified something would happen when I was gone! I cried the morning I left, but once I got there, I enjoyed every minute. I prewrote notes for my kids to open each day I was gone and that made it a little easier for them too I think. I called every morning to say good morning and every night to say goodnight. My other girlfriends didn't even call the entire time we were gone! When I got back I felt so much more appreciated! They actually missed me! Now, a year later, that has worn off. Maybe I need to take another trip! :)
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